The Weeks After Miscarriage: My Story

Miscarriages can be dramatic and traumatic, especially when they happen in the second trimester

I was pregnant, visibly pregnant. I'm not anymore and I have no baby. Physically I can handle this easily. My body feels fine, it was just hard to let go emotionally. Everything seems to make me think about what happened. I wish it didn't happen this way, but it did. The weeks after have been good and bad, right and wrong.

I birthed her, a dead fetus that was about 4 months developed. I had been pregnant for 6 months. It is called a missed abortion when the fetus dies but doesn't come out right away. My body labored and bled. Not like hemorrhage bleeding. More like starting your period 6 months late bleeding, with cramping. Everything came out together, baby in the sac, cord attached and placenta. We could tell she was a girl. From the beginning of the cramping to the miscarry on the toilet it lasted about 12 hours. I got about an hour of sleep in the middle, (I could still feel the contractions in my sleep) hoping my body would calm down and I would feel fine in the morning... I got through it with tears, moaning and my boyfriend.

I didn't know that the baby had died until after the experience. We had decided to have an unassisted birth, and with that an unassisted pregnancy. I am actually glad that I didn't know. If we would have had a midwife/care provider they would have tried to convince us to go in and get surgery or pumped me full of induction drugs to expel to fetus. A missed abortion is totally safe and I wanted a free birth anyway, (birth without interference). It took my body about 2 months to spontaneously expel the baby. I think it helped me grieve going through the labor and birth process. It helped me let go, physically let go (literally) and emotionally let go too. I really gave birth to a little baby. We don't have her now, but we did for awhile. It was real and I needed to feel that way. I saw and felt all the work my body had done growing and expelling that little thing with no one poking around and prodding at me. I was safe, at home, and with only those that I love dearly.

The morning after was very sad and tear filled. I started rationalizing to make my self feel better. She died because it is just not the right time. She died because we are not really ready. It was just a manifestation of our lives. We wouldn't have been financially secure. It would have been really hard to have a baby right now anyway. My son apparently needs more attention than we would have been able to give him with a new born around. We're just not ready right now. Thinking these things helped me feel better for a while, but I was still sad. The truth is, we were ready for a baby. I really and truly wanted a baby. I was pregnant. I carried her in my womb, she had a heartbeat. No amount of rationalizing can change those months of preparation and excitement. Nothing can change the fact that I had a baby and now I don't. I stopped rationalizing and let myself feel how disappointed I really was. Giving way to my true feelings helped a lot. I was absolutely torn up, and there was nothing to do but to keep grieving, letting go, and accepting our new future.

My body had to recover from the pregnancy. My stomach muscles needed to come back together. It took about a week for my breast to stop trying to feed a baby (I still have milk, but I'm not leaking anymore). The heavy bleeding also took about a week to stop, two week and I am still bleeding small amounts. When I was passing clots the cramping was actually pretty intense. I am really glad that I took a week of work, I needed it emotionally and physically. It took about a week for my body to start feeling more normal again. I still have extra baby weight and can't fit into any of my jeans, which just reminds me of me loss. Emotionally I still need time to recover, but it gets better everyday.

It has been two weeks now, and as I think about it I am so glad to have experienced laboring with her. I needed to feel like and know that everything throughout the pregnancy wasn't for nothing. I am also so happy that we held a goodbye ceremony for our baby girl. We said goodbye, just a few of us, it definitely made me feel better ( If we would have had her expelled from my uterus medically they would have kept the remains for inspection/testing :{ ). I actually feel a lot better physically than I have in months. I have more energy and I am not as cranky. I have been more present with everything else in my life like work and my family. I am definitely humbled by the experience and the intense power of nature.


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